Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Obsessed with Perfection

I have a problem.  No, it's not that I'm really, really into sex.  It's not my wildly liberal attitudes either, nor my gigantic breasts.  Those are only a problem for me--everyone else seems to like them!

I am a Type-A, driven, aggressive perfectionist.  About everything.  Well, except for laudry.  I absolutely despise doing laundry.  I don't mind the parts the the machine does, but when it comes to folding it and putting it away.  Forget about it!  I've been known to leave stacks of clean laundry lying about for weeks.

So, in reality, I am selectively obsessive and perfectionistic when it comes to things I care about, particularly:

1. My Body and Appearance
2. My Relationships and Partners
3. My Parenting
4. My Career
5. My Academic Career

I am honestly, just ridiculous.  I realized today as I was on a run how absolutely miserable I am making myself with trying to perfect.  So fucking what if I ate a Hershey's chocolate bar last night when I was bored and missing my lovers? GOD.  I only spent the entire freaking day traipsing about the state capital, and managed to get a good hard run in as soon as I came home.  But it's never good enough.  I always have to be the best and I always have to be perfect.  I have to excercise like a fiend, eat like a rabbit, look perfect, beautiful and thin, do all my homework, get perfect grades, be happy, and do everything right.  And clearly, I'm doing something completely wrong because it is impossible to do everything right, and yet I expect myself, and those around me to be able to do so.

It's a tough thing, because my drive and high standards are what make me incredibly successful and enable me to accomplish seemingly impossible things.  BUT, I don't seem to know when to stop or when enough is enough.  Honestly, it's never enough.  I can never just have one bite of chocolate, or one boyfriend, or one hobby.  I have to have ten!  I am never pretty enough, strong enough, nice enough or thin enough.  And I just don't know what to do about it.

So I strive, every day, to be perfect.  And then by the end of the day I am cross and tired, and end up trying to solve my pain with food, or sex, or a drink, or by wasting countless hours online talking to strangers to make myself feel better.  Why the fuck am I so insecure?

What did I ever do to deserve a cruel mistress such as myself.  So, I have 40 lbs to lose.  It used to be 100, and I've done something about it.  I haven't been perfect, but I'll get there.  So I have stretch marks.  It's not my fault.  I had a kid, and they're genetic.  I rubbed oodles of coconut butter all over my belly during the pregnancy, but I got them anyway.

I really need to stop all this.  It is absolutely exhausting to try to be perfect, and trying to please the entire world on top of that.  The more I gain the courage to be myself and speak up for what I believe, the more I am going to hear hard words from those who disagree.  It shouldn't matter.  Why should I care?

I was not put on this earth simply for the purpose of pleasing others.  My mission is simple: Take care of myself and be kind to others.  I don't have to love them, please them, or serve them, but I do need to be kind and gentle with them as they too are on a journey.  Most of the time, it's not even worth fighting those who confront me.  It's often wasted energy.

I need to slow down, breathe, and be okay with myself exactly how I am.  I am not who I was, nor who I will be.  But in this moment, I am whole and complete, and I accept myself.  I don't have to change the world in a single day, in fact movement, relationships, and ideas all unfold and unfurl over time. 

So rest and relax.  Allow yourself time to think and breathe, and make decisions out of a place of centeredness, not reactivity, anger, defensiveness, or fear.

There are going to be a lot of people in this world who will not like me.  Who will not find me attractive.  Who will disagree with me.  There will even be some who hate me.  But I do not have to define myself on their terms.  I have to be okay with just being me, and doing the very best that I can from day to day. 

I really struggle with accepting my failures.  My failures to keep the diet, to stay focused, to be a good wife and mom.  I am often selfish and self-absorbed.  I don't know how to stay positive and not succumb to depression which I try to numb with food, alcohol, or attention from others.  When I stay off the computer, and refuse food and drink, I don't know what to do.  I am terrified of being alone with myself in the quiet.  Afraid of what I might think and feel.  Afraid of boredom.  I'm afraid I might find something out I don't want to know.  I'm afraid I just might be terribly boring.

I wonder, too, if this is not a huge lesson for me to overcome (or perhaps embrace?  that seems more loving and less like my usual judgey self) in my growth into my role as a sexual Dominant.  There is still a huge part of me that is completely SHOCKED when another consenting, intellingent person wants to get on their knees and submit to me.  What the hell?  Good lord, get up!  I don't deserve that!  I tend to feel self-conscious about leading the scene, or allowing myself to be worshipped.  But when I forget to worry about what I look like, or whether I might look silly, it's incredible!  Mind blowingly, transformatively incredible. 

On my recent trip, I spent time with a lot of incredible women, of all ages and backgrounds.  I got to see women of all shapes and sizes.  And we all gathered together for community and to make our voices heard.  And you know what I realized?  ALL of those women were sexy!  All of them, from the size 2's to the size 20's!  It wasn't their size that made them sexy or un-sexy, but rather their confidence and self-love, and willingness to be themselves and speak their minds.  Wow!  Maybe I should stop being obsessed with what I look like, and what I want to look like, and actually remember to be a person!!!  Before I lost weight, all I cared about was personal development.  It's not like anyone was going to be into me for my body!  And so I was a hella interesting person--smart, creative, kinky, clever, and compassionate.  But now, the more I confirm to society's expectations of female beauty, the more obsessed I become with more perfectly becoming, well, perfect.  Getting in more exercise, obsessing over whether I ate or didn't eat that tempting cookie--all of this consumes so much of my thoughts when I could be thinking about far more interesting things, like the relationship between feminism and kink, or societal expectations and secret sexual taboos.

That's a big part of why I created this blog.  I need a space to think and explore, and it's time for me to re-elevate the development of myself as a person, a Goddess, a lover and a friend, and not just a body for someone else's viewing pleasure.  If I neglect myself in the process of becoming externally beautiful, I will have lost the true beauty that I've had all along.

The Beginning

Hello Internet!

Following a brief stint into the world of sex work as a PSO (phone sex operator), I realized that I needed further training in the buisiness.  Not only do girls need to know how to use a reputable company to work for, or be able to decide when and how to go into buisiness for themselves---but a myriad of other things, such as legal concerns, setting boundaries, safety, building a client base, etc.

Sex Work, in any of its fascinating forms is just that--work!  It's a calling and a profession, and not one that anyone should undertake lightly or without information.

So...I recently enrolled in a year-long training program with the wonderful Kali Williams, otherwise known as Princess Kali. Kali has recently launched an incredible website, Kink Academy, which employs wonderful masters, dommes, sex workers, therapists, and educators to bring safe, sexy, and consensual kink into your home!!  The site has awesome how-to's and videos, and is just awesome!

I am excited to have a new mentor for my journey into the worlds of sex work, pro domming, erotica, and "erotication"!

I will be posting articles and blogs posts along the way to share what I learn, as I launch my journey as a new Goddess.