It's been a long time. About two years, in fact.
A LOT has happened. Juggling all my relationships, parenting, and school took a toll on my marriage and in the fall of 2013, it all came to a screeching halt. We closed our marriage, went to counseling, and I/we have done a lot of important work since then on ourselves and each other. We've been completely monogamous since that time, and are just now beginning to think and talk about what opening our relationship might look like. We're not there yet, as we still have some things to sort out with each other about what we'd need, and what guidelines we'll put in place. To be completely honest, I did not do a good job with boundaries when we did poly last time, and I wasn't entirely honest about the feelings that developed for another partner, and these small lies and violations ended up being disastrous. So we are very cautious this time around, and want to make sure we are solid on our relationship and communication skills should we choose to practice an open marriage again.
Today was actually pretty exciting for me, because after a deeply emotional yesterday of EMDR and tears and healing and feeling lost, today I got some pretty big insights on a possible next step for my marriage--one that I hope will further deepen our spiritual and sexual connection and just make us better people.
I've been re-visiting the concepts of kink, spiritual BDSM and m/s relationships lately. I can see that the majority of my husband's fantasies seem to be around service, being dominated, and being below me. I have turned away from BDSM in the last two years, largely because it was such a big part of my life leading up to the near collapse of self/marriage in 2013, and also due to my feminist concerns. I want equality and gender fluidity, and I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with the idea of being an unquestioned Mistress.
In addition, I have often found the role of Dominant to be exhausting, with lots of energy and prep going into a scene and most of the pleasure and release going to my sub rather than me. Perhaps because I am still relatively new at domming, the majority of my focus goes to technique and execution, making it hard for me to focus on my own pleasure.
However, something very spiritual occurs when we assume Mistress and slave roles during a sex scene. He becomes subservient and worshipful (with some playful resistance—largely, I suspect, to make me spank him harder--) and something about assuming these roles just feels right. He has expressed the sentiment that serving and being beneath me feels “right” to him, and that it is “the way it should be.” He also expresses desire for my guidance and discipline and I see him relax and melt into my hands, my touch, and my demands. He stands taller, moans louder, and comes alive as my slave. I admit, being treated as a goddess, given divine command and responsibility also feels natural to me. I am training as a priestess, am stepping into roles of spiritual leadership personally and professionally, and to be treated sexually as such stirs something deep within me. I know that I have served as temple priestess, wandering mystic, shaman, and sacred whore in other lifetimes and these rituals and traditions run deep in my blood. I have long known that sex, power, and ritual can combine to create powerful healing, transformation and growth, and long to strive towards the union of sex and spirit, body and soul.
In addition, our relationship has gone through quite a few trials in the last few years. We are both seeking to deepen our connection, but for some time, it has felt we wanted different things. As I studied feminist theory, tantric union and sacred sex, and began in depth-work on my past emotional and sexual trauma, I moved away from kink. I longed more for spiritual and emotional connection, rather than sex I felt I had to direct, or that seemed to involve any kind of violence. I was raw and healing. We attended a tantra workshop together, and the energy was sweet and healing, but we both left wanting more—more intensity, more wildness, more connection.
And all the while, he was still desiring domination and intense sexual experiences, and we were not having them together—at least not often. Our relationship was entering a stage of a lot of processing—processing my past trauma and wounds that arose during our relationship. We were engrossed in work, parenting, and big life questions (should we move? Change jobs? Have a baby? What next for us and our relationship?) I kept digging deeper, seeking more connection, and he at times had a tendency to pull away, becoming triggered or emotionally exhausted. Yet when we would connect sexually, and when I would occasionally climb on top of him and order him to fuck me and refuse to allow him to cum, we felt that deep energy we’d both been longing for within our relationship.
Over the last 5 years we’ve been together—we toyed with a lot. Occasionally I lock him up in chastity and torture him, or make him serve me for a day. We’ve gone to munches together, and I’ve trained formally as a domme. We’ve both certainly done our share of research and exploration together and separately, but it’s never felt the time to go deeper. We never identified as lifetime m/s partners. In fact, when we started dating, we both identified as switches, and we still like to switch roles sometimes, as well as explore gender fluidity together.
But today, it all coalesced. Practically in an instant, what felt confused and ill-matched suddenly aligned. For months, I’d been frustrated that he wasn’t interested in exploring my spiritual practices with me of yoga, meditation, and mantra, or overt goddess worship. He’d felt frustrated that I suddenly stopped being kinky, when he fantasized about little else. And then, in the midst of reading Raven Kaldera's book, “Sacred Power, Holy Surrender,” it all made sense. We weren’t ill matched! And we weren’t seeking different things. In fact, we were seeking something quite similar, just in different places and in different ways. What if we could use BDSM as the intersection of our spirituality and our desires? What if, by worshipping me as a goddess, he could also come into contact with the goddesses I serve? A deep commitment to each other through service, discipline, mindfulness and honor in the bedroom and beyond—every day and in every moment—is certainly a shared spiritual practice. Furthermore, making sex a sacred ritual that we share is a profound way to combine his deep desire for sexual service with my desire to lead us both to a deeper spiritual connection between us, the earth, and the divine.
I realize that it is a big transition to move from a marriage where we occasionally practice BDSM to a relationship where spiritual kink is a way of life. I know we will have to go slowly. But I am excited to practice the union between spirit and sex in my marriage and my daily life—not just when I happen to don sexy lingerie or wear the mantle of a priestess. I am always a goddess, and he is meant to serve that divinity.
I can’t wait to talk to him about my ideas when he gets home from work! I keep visioning the union between Shiva and Shakti in the form of the warrior goddess and transformatrix Kali. They each represent divinity in the form of the masculine and the feminine, yet each forces the other to become better and to grow. Shiva lays himself down beneath the feet of Kali to stop her murderous rage, Kali’s passion draws Shiva down from his meditation on the mountaintop in search of sacred union. We serve each other, balance each other, and represent the divine energies of the Universe. And, I do so adore seeing him on his knees, begging for my cock. I shall certainly give that to him, but little else. I’m just delighted at these ideas. I hope he is too!
I will keep you updated on his response! Though, if he says no, I will be sad and most likely need a few days of processing before I can write about it! <3 I've missed you all!
I'm currently reading:
"Sacred Power, Holy Surrender: Living a Spiritual Power Dynamic" by Raven Kaldera
"Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond" by Lee Harrington
"Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga" by Sally Kempton
(this book is great for the Hindu Goddesses that are a manifestation of Shakti (which includes Kali, Lakshmi, Saraswati and Parvati))